that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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