so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
