I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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