in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
