i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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