My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
