Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
