Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
