so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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