and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
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My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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