For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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