Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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