Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
