My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
