I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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