Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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