Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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