I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
