If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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