She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
