how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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