Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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