i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
