put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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