She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
