I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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