if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
