Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
