so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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