I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
