How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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