I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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