The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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