4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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