Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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