Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
