Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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