Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
