During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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