ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just invented taco cereal.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
