I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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