So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
