One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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