omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
