thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
