sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
