he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I want is dick and wine.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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