You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
