my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
