At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dicks are not precious.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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