So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
