My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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