if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
