i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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