I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
