I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
whose parrot is this?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
