my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
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Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
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I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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