My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My vagina just clenched in fear
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
