so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
