I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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