I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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