I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
